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White blossom drifting,
Across a perfect new sky;
As I dream of clouds.
©2008-2009 =Skybluethinking
:iconskybluethinking:

Author's Comments

** UPDATED **

A pause in the third line.

Perhaps not quite finished.

Feedback always welcome.

Comments


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:icontyrobia:
I would like to see this more contracted...maybe a different choice of words in the third line. It seems a little loose to me. But I love the first two lines...the third one just drags the poem down.
:iconskybluethinking:
I appreciate the comment, bro.

I'll definitely be looking at it again and it's that third line that needs work.

Cheers,

Skybluethinking
:iconjesterseven:
It creates a pleasant image, though I think it would improve with the removal of "as" in the third line (I don't know how regimented haiku in english need to be, I've seen the form vary) and letting a pause substitute for the missing syllable. As it is, the experience feels over too quickly.

--
The little devil on everyone's shoulder.
:iconskybluethinking:
Thanks for the comment, bud.

This one just isn't quite there yet, but I'm not sure how to make it work.

I originally had a pause in the third line, just as you suggest.

Haiku can be varied quite a lot, and the relationship between an English syllable and Japanese on is complicated. Still, I like the discipline and structure of sticking with 5-7-5, or sometimes 3-5-3.

Hmm...I appreciate your input. This one needs more thought!

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November 2, 2008
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